Need some classroom tips? Use Holly Winter's that come from her 28 years in the elementary, middle and high school classrooms of America.

TIP #1: If you want a missing/stolen item returned before lunch, say “If I have to spend my lunch reviewing the video tape to figure out who took it, I’ll be in a bad mood for the rest of the week.” (Refuse to discuss the cameras, but don’t deny that they are embedded in the ceiling tiles, the desks or your jewelry.)

TIP #2 The best ways to break up a high school fight: #FIRST: Whisper to the kid who’s winning the fight, “He’s had enough.” #SECOND: Sing as loud as you can the song, “Zippity Doo Dah” and encourage the onlookers to join in, which embarrasses the fighters and slows them down.

TIP #3: If a student says, “My stomach hurts.”, and you can hear the stomach gurgling, hide your face.

TIP #4: Angry parent on the phone? Listen to what they have to say and then say, “I’m glad you called! We need to talk!” which makes the parent hang up. (I don’t know why.)

TIP #5: If a student asks if you are racist, smugly reply, “You’ll have to find out for yourself.” Then put a framed photo of you and your Chinese American boyfriend on your desk. Refuse to answer questions about him. After your relationship dissolves, keep his photo on your desk for two more years.

TIP #6: To liven things in your middle school math class, change the words to that song and sing, “Do you love math? I want to know. How can I tell if you love math so?”

TIP #7: What's the best way to disinfect your plan book after it's been sneezed on by that kid, again? After contacting top scientists, via a friend in the field, I got the answer I use to this day: Place the contaminated item in the sun for fifteen minutes.

Since I am usually the one who is contaminated, the next time I contact those scientists it will likely be to find about sun protection. Until then I'll be working on the best tip to get a student's vomit out of the teacher's shoes.

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